we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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