I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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