My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
