I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
