Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
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I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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