I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
