I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
