I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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