Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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