just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
