I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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