come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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