I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
