hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
