I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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