i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
sex in a hospital.. check
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
