Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
