I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
