I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
