I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
