My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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