so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
