dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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