I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Randomize
