I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
