awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I did not marry a roomba.
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