Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
