i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
