It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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