I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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