I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
