and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
