So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
