im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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