don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
