My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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