I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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