Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
