we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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