last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
