So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
