Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Damn victory sex feels great
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
