People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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