1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Semen is not good for contacts.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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