Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
