My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
