We're like a lot better than the average bears
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
