I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You have to summon your inner elephant
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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