This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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