Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
