went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
